1-2-3: The Hidden Classroom

Hey — it’s Mark.

It’s a cool evening for the start of spring and the girls are tucked in bed for the night. Outside, some birds are making their arrangements for new arrivals. I’m comfortable inside, thinking about the silent lessons we teach our kids — not by what we say, but by how we behave.

1/ Reflection

Like it or not, you’re a 24/7 role model.

Every sigh, every eye roll, every muttered curse — it all lands. Those little eyes are always watching, and they’re learning from your actions.

Want calm kids? Don’t lose your mind over spills. Want respect? Give it when you’re running on fumes. You can’t yell your way to patience or guilt-trip your way to trust.

Good news: you don’t need to be perfect — just honest. Own your screw-ups. Apologize without excuses. Show them how grown-ups act. That’s parenting gold, and they’ll remember it long after they forget your lectures.

2/ Questions For You

1. What’s one behavior you hope your child never copies from you
2. What’s one small change you could make tomorrow to start modeling something better?

(Hit ‘reply’ and share your thoughts)

3/ Conversation To Ponder

A cozy study room with books lining the walls. The parent, a weary but curious individual in their mid 30s, sits across from the philosopher, a calm and inquisitive figure with a gentle yet piercing gaze. The parent has come seeking advice about raising their defiant 8-year-old son, Liam, who seems to ignore instructions and argues constantly.

PARENT: I’m at my wit’s end with Liam. I tell him to clean his room, to stop yelling, to be kind to his sister, but he just doesn’t listen. I’ve tried everything—rewards, punishments, lectures. Nothing works. Maybe he’s just stubborn by nature.

PHILOSOPHER: Do you think Liam’s behavior is something fixed, like a trait he was born with?

PARENT: Well, doesn’t it seem that way? Some kids are easygoing, others are headstrong. Isn’t that just how they are?

PHILOSOPHER: Let’s explore that. Some would say that behavior isn’t a fixed “nature” but a choice—a purpose-driven action. What do you suppose Liam might be trying to achieve with his defiance?

PARENT: Achieve? I don’t know… maybe he just wants to annoy me. Or get my attention. He does seem to act up more when I’m busy.

PHILOSOPHER: Interesting. So, his behavior might have a goal—like gaining your focus. But let’s shift the lens for a moment. Tell me, how do you respond when he defies you?

PARENT: I usually get frustrated. I raise my voice, tell him he’s being disrespectful, and sometimes send him to his room. I mean, I have to show him I’m serious, right?

PHILOSOPHER: And how does Liam react to that?

PARENT: He yells back, ignores me, storms off, or sulks. It’s like a standoff.

PHILOSOPHER: A standoff indeed. Now, what if children learn not from what we say, but from what we do? If Liam sees you raise your voice to assert control, what might he learn from that?

PARENT: Wait—are you saying he’s copying me? That doesn’t make sense. I’m not defiant; I’m just trying to discipline him!

PHILOSOPHER: I’m not suggesting he’s mimicking you exactly. But think about this: when you shout or demand obedience, what message does your behavior send about how to handle disagreement or frustration?

PARENT: Huh… I suppose it shows that when you’re upset, you get loud or forceful to get your way. Oh. Oh no. Is that what he’s picking up?

PHILOSOPHER: What do you think?

PARENT: I don’t want to believe it, but it fits. He’s started shouting at his sister the way I shout at him. I thought he was just being rude, but maybe he’s… reflecting me?

PHILOSOPHER: Children are keen observers of our actions, not our intentions. You might intend to teach respect, but your behavior becomes the lesson. Tell me, what kind of person do you hope Liam grows into?

PARENT: I want him to be kind, patient, understanding—someone who solves problems without losing his temper.

PHILOSOPHER: A noble vision. Now, if that’s the goal, how might your own behavior serve as a mirror for those qualities?

PARENT: You mean I have to be kind and patient even when he’s driving me crazy? That feels impossible! I’m human—I can’t always be perfect.

PHILOSOPHER: No-one is asking for perfection. You’re free to choose your actions in each moment, regardless of how you feel. If you want Liam to learn patience, what could you do the next time he defies you?

PARENT: I guess… I could take a breath, stay calm, and talk to him instead of yelling. Maybe ask why he’s upset instead of just ordering him around. But won’t he think I’m weak if I don’t take charge?

PHILOSOPHER: Does calmness signal weakness to you? Or could it be strength—a deliberate choice to act in line with your values, not your impulses?

PARENT: I’ve always thought strength was about being firm, not backing down. But I see your point. If I stay calm, I’m showing him how to handle frustration without exploding. It’s just hard to imagine doing that consistently.

PHILOSOPHER: Consistency isn’t the starting point—it’s the result of practice. I believe we shape ourselves through our actions. Each time you choose patience, you become more patient. And Liam sees a model of what’s possible.

PARENT: So, you’re saying I’m not just raising him—I’m raising myself too?

PHILOSOPHER: Precisely. Parenting, in my view, isn’t about controlling another person. It’s about living in a way that invites them to grow alongside you. If you want Liam to change, where might you begin?

PARENT: With me. I’d have to start acting like the person I want him to be. No more yelling matches. I’d talk to him, listen, show him I can handle tough moments without losing it. It’s daunting, though—what if I fail?

PHILOSOPHER: Failure isn’t the enemy here. Every misstep is a chance to learn. If you slip and yell, you can still model something valuable—apologizing, reflecting, trying again. What do you think Liam would learn from that?

PARENT: That it’s okay to mess up, as long as you own it and keep going. Huh. That’s actually a big lesson I’d love for him to carry through life.

PHILOSOPHER: Then you already have your path. You don’t need to wait for Liam to change first. Your behavior is your power—it’s the mirror he’ll look into. What will he see tomorrow?

PARENT: Hopefully, a parent who’s trying to be better—not just for him, but for myself too. I’m still nervous, but it feels… freeing, somehow. Like I’m not stuck battling him anymore.

PHILOSOPHER: That’s the strength we spoke of—choosing your own way forward, not dictated by the moment or someone else’s actions. Shall we see how it unfolds?

PARENT: Yes. I think I’m ready to try.

The conversation ends with a quiet resolve settling over the parent. The philosopher smiles faintly, knowing the journey of transformation has just begun.

Until next week,

Mark Snape

Editor of 1-2-3 Parenting Newsletter

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